Monday, February 20, 2012

Professional Dating Advice

Since I was formerly a professional dater, dear Cousin has started coming to me for dating advice.  This is not necessarily wise on her part for many reasons, including, but not limited to, the fact that I can be slightly neurotic. Also, texting, Facebook and other social media sites were not around for the majority of my romantic pursuits.  I didn't start texting or Facebooking until law school, so I have less experience with these newer flirting techniques than your average college freshman, who only knows how to flirt via social media sites. 

Cousin recently told Manfriend and I that she met a guy at a party the night before who she thought was really witty, but she didn't know how dateable he was.  She thought he may or may not be a sloppy eater as he had a large stain on the front of his shirt.  I understand her concern.  Cousin and I were taught that we are to keep our lips properly positioned over our plates so as not to slop all over ourselves.

He told Cousin that she should call him.  Cousin was coy and told him that he should call her.  He took her number and then immediately called her so she had his number on her caller ID.  Tricky.  Now the ball was not only in his court, as Cousin had wanted.  They also added each other to Facebook.  I find this odd.  College students whip out their phones and add each other to Facebook now, right then and there.

Naturally, being the stalker that I am, I made her pull him up on Facebook on her phone.  By the way, my Facebook flirting may not be up to par with the college crowd, but I can stalk with the best of them.  If you have a Facebook account, I already know everything about you, your friends, your family and your dog.  By the way, my dog is cuter. 

Manfriend and I decided that yes, Cousin's potential suitor was an attractive young man; however, in one of his profile pictures he had his arm around a girl who was definitely not unfortunate looking.  His profile said "single", but some super sleuthing was needed to conclude whether or not he had a love interest.  We decided that the girl could potentially be his sister.  I looked up his sister's profile on Cousin's phone, handed the phone to Manfriend for him to do a quick study of her, and then we compared her to the girl in the profile picture.  After scrutinizing both pictures, Manfriend and I were assured that the good looking girl was indeed his sister.  So far, Witty Guy From Party Who Has Been Decided To Also Be Agreeable Looking was available for Cousin, should he decide to use her number.  Cousin made it clear that she expected to be texted and was not going to make the first move.  We looked at a couple more photos from Witty, Attractive Guy From Party's Facebook and decided that he had nice arms and a sense of adventure.  He would do just fine for my charming, beautiful Cousin. 

Cousin waited.  No texts.  No calls.  No Facebook messages.  Cousin was disappointed, especially since Manfriend and I had confirmed that although one in the relationship may have poor eating habits, that person could still have the potential to be rather charming.  With a little work, Party Boy could learn to keep his lips over his plate and perhaps refrain from slopping his dinner onto the front of his shirt.  I imagine with Valentine's Day being last week, Cousin may  have been a touch sentimental, as well as extremely dramatic (seriously, one could hardly guess that we are related.  I do not know where she gets it...), and I assured her that she was not an ugly duckling and he was simply busy.  We decided that maybe it wouldn't hurt for Cousin to give Party Boy a nudge. 

The following conversation is to illustrate how much thought a girl has to put into a simple text message, as opposed to a boy who would probably simply text "What r u doin?"  Don't even get me started on text grammar. 

Cousin on Valentine's Day:  I want flowers and someone to love me.  And a text message from Party Boy.  (little stomp of her dramatic foot....)

Me:  Wait a day and text him something you talked about.  Then never text him again unless he starts texting you regularly. 

Cousin:  I was thinking I could "like" his picture on Facebook.  I don't even know what I would text him.

Me: Did shared jokes happen?

Cousin: Yeah, but nothing that really sticks out.  He said something about snowboarding and being official Facebook friends.  I could say, "Hey, so now that we are official Facebook friends, I can see you weren't kidding about loving any sport that uses a 'board'." I don't know....could be dumb.  I feel like he would have texted if he was interested.

Me: I say give it a shot and if the shot is not successful, then don't contact him again.  The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn't reply.

Cousin:  Do you think what I proposed to say was dumb?  I'm not sure what else to say.

Me:  Well, it was clear you were searching for something to say.  What about "Now that we are Facebook friends, I thought I'd say hi" on his wall?

Cousin:  Oh yes, that is good, and then it sounds like I don't live on Facebook as much as it did when I was pointing out his pictures.  Do it tomorrow?

Me:  Yeah, not Valentine's day.  It would seem like a sad Valentine's comment. 

I will save you from the rest of the conversation.  You get the picture.  Before Cousin decided to text or Facebook Party Boy, she went on to check her Facebook account and noticed that her friend request to Party Boy's sister had been accepted.

I received this text message from Cousin.

"OMG I ACCIDENTALLY ADDED THAT KID'S SISTER ON FACEBOOK!!!!!!!  She accepted my friend request and I unfriended her immediately this is so embarrassing idk how the hell that happened.  hahahahahahhaahaha  I can never text him.  OMG I am creepy.  OMG."

And this one shortly after.  I had yet to respond because I was rolling on my office floor, laughing.

"I want to jump off a building.  This kid obviously thinks I'm crazy because I'm sure his sister asked who I was. OMG.  Tell Manfriend.  I hate myself.  What am I supposed to write now?  Since you, me and your sister are officially Facebook friends now, I thought I would say hi?  It is all over.  No hope for me."

It was later figured out that I, Cousin's professional dating advisor, was actually the one who added Party Boy's sister on Facebook during the examination that Manfriend and I did of his profile.  Yet another reason that I am old and embarrassing.  I am sorry, Cousin.  There are so many more fish in the sea. 



  1. Awwwwww, that is...terribly awkward. Yep. Sorry, cousin.

    1. She's so lucky to have me here to ruin her life.

  2. Oh my god! Awkward!! And hilarious1

    Such a good point about how little men have to try. Women have to work really hard to seem desirable, and not needy, cool but funny, funny but not "friend", sexy but not slutty, normal and not creepy facebooks stalkerish. It's hard!

  3. BAHAHAHA! Wow, that is fantastic...and extremely awkward. Bummer it didn't work out for your cousin, but this story cracked me up!

    1. You know, interestingly enough, he did text her after this post. Apparently, he does not mind awkward, which is great because then I can get more material for my blog at the expense of my cousin. : ) I'm just kidding. I would never do that.

  4. I've been there! Not so much with fb, but texting.

    Had a great "texting" day with a fun, cute nerd-boy, ended in a movie. Texted a week later...he couldn't do anything. Texted a few days later... he was out of town (for real). Decided that was it. He'd changed his mind. No harm, no foul.

    Saw him a couple weeks later and he said that he "had nothing to do when he wasn't working". Thought nothing at the moment, but later wondered if that was a hint to me, because nerd-boy is nervous about being too bold, so texted him. No response. Ever.

    ...his loss!

    1. Definitely his loss. The irritating thing about it is all the time we spend thinking about whether or not to text them, and when we decide to, we have to think of something clever, and then wait..... I would have totally thought that was a hint, also.

  5. I'm a sloppy eater. I'm so glad I hid that fact until after the wife and I had been dating a few months.

    It's actually the leaning over the plate that gets me. Something will fall off the fork and splatter on the plate, ruining countless shirts. The wife thinks of it as a joke now, because I can take any meal and turn it into a mess.

    I better hang onto my wit as long and hard as I can. It may be all I've got left.

    1. Between Manfriend and I, I am actually probably the more sloppy of the two of us. He, however, is the noisy one. Smuck, smuck, smuck. My Father would always yell at my brother and I to "Keep our lips over our plates" so I have long practiced an exaggerated lip over the plate eating style.


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