Friday, January 27, 2012

The Romance Is Gone

The romance is gone.  Manfriend and I have been together for over two years.  Two blissful years...  Naturally, over the past two years, our relationship has changed.  We now do things quite differently than we did when we first began dating.  Today, my faithful readers,  I am going to share some personal observations of our dating evolution with you. (Follow me!  I like followers.)

Changes in Dining

I have a hearty appetite.  I was taught to clean my plate and to do it quickly.  As a result, I finish a meal faster than most people I dine with, excluding my immediate family, all of whom are also skilled in consuming mass quantities of food in a small window of time.  After I went away to college, I realized how much I eat and that it wasn't exactly awesome to be able to eat an entire large pizza single-handedly.  As a result, I became a bit more conscious of the amount of food I ate, on dates, at least.

On my first date with Manfriend, I tried to estimate how much of my Sharon's World Famous Chicken Enchiladas a normal girl would eat and mentally forked off an allotment for myself.  I ate my allowed portion slowly, putting my fork down in between bites and drinking a sip of water so as to not finish much faster than Manfriend, all the while trying to engage in meaningful and witty first date conversation.  After we finished our meal, Manfriend asked if I would like to go get a drink somewhere.  I told him no, that I had to get up early for work the next morning.   I then scurried up to my apartment and finished off my leftovers straight from my to go box because all of the meaningful, witty conversation and small portions had starved me.  I don't remember what Manfriend ordered, but it was probably something puny like a salad with the dressing on the side.



Since those early days of our relationship, Manfriend has discovered how much I truly consume at meal time.  I finish each and every meal at least ten minutes before him.  I have discovered that Manfriend actually never finishes a meal.  He always leaves the last bite of each food item on his plate.  For instance, if Manfriend was eating Sharon's World Famous Chicken Enchiladas, he would eat all but one bite of the first enchilada, and then start to eat the second enchilada. Never mind that there is still a bite of the first enchilada sitting there which is exactly the same as the second enchilada, so he should eat that last stinking bite because there are starving kids in Africa, darn it!


Manfriend's plate and my plate at the end of a meal.  Notice who has cleaned their plate and who has not...


Besides which, it makes me feel large when I am about to take the last bite of my Jimmy John's sandwich and Manfriend still has three quarters of his left, and then he offers me some of his.  No, I do not want your sandwich.  I want you to eat it, and I want you to eat it faster than I ate mine.  Can you do that?  Can you!?










Changes in Lucee's Treatment

I knew Manfriend really had a thing for me when he came over for our second date with a squeak toy for Lucee.  The key to my heart is acting like my dog brings you great joy.  I love her.  If you bring her gifts, I will be more inclined to love you too.  Manfriend is no fool.  He knew he had to get in good with the chihuahua.   

At the beginning of our relationship, when Manfriend would leave, I would hold up Lucee for her kiss goodbye and Manfriend would oblige, giving her a little kiss on her little furry head.  It filled my heart with great joy to see how well Manfriend and Lucee got along. 



Once during a visit to my parents house, I tried to make my dad kiss Lucee goodbye and he refused, just as I knew he would.

As I have said before, my dad grew up on the farm and he thinks animals are for outside, though I know deep down he loves his Grandcompanion dearly.  She sleeps in between him and Mother when they dog sit her, which would have been unheard of for poor little Prince, my childhood dog.
 Lucee even has her own seat at my parents table, much to Father's chagrin, as he does not want her "dog lips near the table."  When I kiss Lucee, my dad carries on quite a bit, which makes it all the more fun for everyone involved. 

When my dad refused to kiss Lucee, I stated that Manfriend kisses her goodbye.  Manfriend has not kissed her since, as my Father made such a stink about it.  I have also noticed that Lucee's treatment has gone down considerably since this incident.  I think he blames her for his perceived lost Man Points in Father's eyes.  What he doesn't realize is that my Father respects him more for being so nice to his little girl and her faithful companion.



I suspect on occasion Manfriend is a little jealous of all the attention that I shower upon Lucee.  He likes to play this game now which we will call "Let's See What She Does."  This game goes a little like this....






Lucee and I don't care for this game much.  Manfriend will still come home with an occasional toy for Lucee, though, which we both appreciate. 

Changes in Appearance and Personal Hygiene

I think this category is a given for any couple who has been dating for a while.  When we first started going out, I made sure that Manfriend never saw me without make up.  I have a total lack of eyebrows, due to my fine hair.  This is very upsetting, but can be somewhat corrected with a good brow pencil.  Before I discovered the wonders of makeup, I assumed my forehead was completely enormous, but it was actually the absence of eyebrows that made it seem that way.  I envy those of you with a strong, thick brow that you can wax and tweeze.  It angers me when you over pluck.  You should appreciate your eyebrows more. 

First Date Makeup


When Manfriend first saw me without my makeup, I knew it was love because he did not liken me to the naked mole rat that I suspect I look like.  Since then, my makeup routine has largely gone out the window when we aren't going anywhere, which is a lot of the time...(see last topic).  He doesn't mind the more natural naked mole rat look, which is a plus because that makes me think that I must have an awesome personality.
 
No Makeup

Along with the lack of primping on my part, I have also stopped shaving my legs mostly, which since I have fine hair, isn't too much of an issue.  However, Manfriend has taken this as his cue to stop shaving his face regularly.  Facial stubble presents a problem because if we choose to smooch, even just a little smooch, it appears as if I have tripped and skinned my chin on the carpet. 


The final interesting personal hygiene change in our relationship has been my ability to use the restroom in his presence.  I suppose I should clarify, I still don't use the bathroom in his immediate presence.  I have what I call "Home Bathroom Syndrome."  This means that I can only use the restroom in my home or somewhere where I am entirely comfortable, or if there is absolutely no one around.  On a trip to Africa in college, I didn't use the restroom for darn close to three weeks.   My professor worried about my health, fearing that I was poisoning myself from within, and fed me large quantities of dried prunes and other assorted fruits, which did absolutely nothing to help.  My issue was probably exacerbated by the fact that every time I mustered up the courage to go to the bathroom, some sort of beast would crawl out of the toilet.  At one time, it was a little green frog that popped out from under the toilet lid, on another occasion it was a swarm of some sort of stinging insect.

Such experiences were traumatizing and did nothing but increase the effects of my Syndrome.  In the early months of dating, I could not use Manfriend's restroom if he was also in the house, so I would often make him go look at something in the backyard for a bit.  Today this is a non issue in our relationship, as Manfriend figured out what I was doing when he had to go look at things in the yard.  He explained to me that he knew girls used the restroom and he would be concerned if I did not.  The bathroom is now one of our more frequent conversation topics, which probably means we are super comfortable with each other or we are odd.  Maybe both.  Yes, probably both.  Regardless, it is truly liberating. 

Date Night

At the beginning of our relationship, we used to go on fun dates.  We would go out to fine dining establishments, attend murder mysteries on dinner trains, and watch Broadway plays.  While we do still do an occasional date night, most of our weekends are spent like the last one.  Manfriend played Zelda on the Wii that he gave me for Christmas last year, which I thought was a spectacular gift at the time, while I pinned my imaginary fantasy wedding on Pinterest.  I will pause for a moment so you can feel sorry for both of us.

When Manfriend picks the restaurant we dine at, you can bet it is a sports bar with plenty of televisions so he can watch professional football, all the while adjusting his fantasy football team and talking trash to his friends on his phone.  When he sprung for the total football package with his cable carrier, he told me that we could watch every game now in the nation.  Every. Game.  His reasoning was that watching all that football together would "bond us as a couple."  He also said that playing Zelda together would make us grow closer as a couple.  I am trying to make a rule, since it is my Wii, that for every ten minutes of Zelda, we will play twenty minutes of The Michael Jackson Experience on the Wii.  I am trying to master the dance to Thriller. 

Speaking of bonding, there are a couple of Broadway plays coming to the area that I really think will bond us together as a couple.  What do you think, Manfriend?




2 comments:

  1. You crack me up, Erica. Thanks for making me smile :)

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  2. Hahahah I love this! I personally hate it when I am hungry and Boyfriend is not. Boyfriend : You hungry? Me: Umm...are you? Boyfriend: No, not really. Me: Oh yeah, me neither. That wasn't my stomach. Someone must be using a can opener somewhere.

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