Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My New Office Chair



Several years ago, I discovered a bump on the back of my neck.  Due to my hypochondria, I assumed it was a tumor of some sort.  As one would expect, I got online and discovered that the growth was surely my unborn twin that had been enveloped by my former fetus self.  

Help Me!



The technical term is fetus in fetu.  My parasitic twin, whom I named Alice, was living off of my blood supply and would continue to grow until I was a humpback  Alice probably had teeth and hair and fingers.  I was distraught.  I called Mother.

Mother:  Hello?

Me:  I have a twin with hair and teeth named Alice growing out of the back of my neck!

Mother: Why do you think you have a twin growing out of your neck?

Me:  Have you seen my neck?  It is huge!  I am a humpback. Did you know that in 2003 there was a seven year old in Kazakhstan who had the fetus of his twin brother removed?  The fetus was highly developed with hair, arms, fingers, nails, legs, toes, genitals, and a head.  He had a face, Mother!

Mother:  It is probably your spine.  Start taking calcium.

Me: Oh, this is no spine.  You wait and see.  I'm going to the doctor.  You'll be sorry you didn't believe me.  

I went to the Doctor.  He told me that the bump was my spine and advised that I should be taking a calcium supplement, especially since I was overly concerned about becoming a humpback.  What a quack.  

Ever since the Alice scare, I have been particularly worried about my posture.  I recently got rear ended at a stoplight.  I was pleased that I was not the cause of the accident but displeased because it hurts to get unexpectedly slammed into.  I began to visit my chiropractor to take care of some pain that I was feeling after being so recklessly rammed, due to no fault of my own.  (Wanted to make sure everyone was clear on the fact that this accident was not my fault.)  I asked my chiropractor what the chances were of me developing a hump and he told me that the chances were quite good.  I feel like he might have been kidding, but I'm not sure, so I got online and found this lovely exercise ball chair.


It is supposed to encourage correct posture and strengthen your back muscles.  Needless to say, I ordered it.  As the pamphlet that came with my new chair states, it is important to choose sound chairs for your waist and back.  It is going to reduce pathologic changes in my spine.  Take that, Alice.  Today, I pumped up my new chair and put it together, by myself.



4 comments:

  1. Hahhahaha as a hypochondriac with back aches from my work chair, I super appreciate this post.

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  2. I need this chair. Spinning in my extra spinny spinny chair at work is actually starting to get boring after three and a half years.

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  3. I actually should do a follow up review on this chair. I am, sadly, disappointed. It does nothing for my posture. I have figured out how to slump in this chair, just the same as the other and when it gets warm, the chair makes my rear sweat and my trousers stick to my skin.

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  4. LoL. This post is a little funny. But, anyway, it is the first time I saw such chair, if it ever exists. But I would prefer a mesh chair over it. More comfortable and doesn’t make you sweat as you endure sitting for a longer period.

    Christine
    Office Cubicles in Miami

    ReplyDelete

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