Sunday, December 11, 2011

Hey There...Look At You.

Since I was young, one of the ways that I have enjoyed expressing myself has been through changing my look.  I have found it to be a balancing act between trying to be different, but not crossing the line into TOO different.   I like to stand out but I don't want to stand out in a way that makes people point and ridicule.  Today I am going to highlight some of my more hasty fashion choices in  the hope that I can help my 17 readers avoid receiving hurtful social reactions to their own appearances.

When I was a senior in high school, denim overalls were trendy.  Maybe not every where in the country, but they were cool in my small Midwest town.  They were so awesome that I had senior pictures taken in my GAP overalls.  A girl who was a year older than me had senior pictures taken in a pile of hay. She was tossing the hay in the air and laughing.  Her photo looked like it was straight out of a magazine.  (So what if the magazine was Country Living?)  I was determined to recreate that picture and be equally adorable.  In fact, I was going to one up her by wearing overalls in my picture while tossing hay.  I mean, c'mon!  How freaking adorable is that?  Answer: Not adorable.  Overalls are not acceptable and hay is itchy.  Don't try tossing hay at home.

This eye injury is permanently documented in my senior photos.  Lucky me.

I was a bit slow on the realization that overalls were inappropriate attire for an adult woman and I made the mistake of wearing them to law school several years later.  As soon as I walked into my Employment Law course, I felt regret.  It was as if I was trying to socially destroy myself.

Copyright Getty Images
Despite the overall fiasco and my pathetic delusions of finishing law school unscathed, I did graduate and I managed to land my first grown up job at a Firm.  After a few months working there, I decided I needed a change.  I went to my beloved hairdresser and told her that I wanted my light brown hair dyed DARK!  I wanted BANGS!  I wanted to look like ZOOEY DESCHANEL!  Here is a picture of Zooey Deschanel for reference.

Now, I fully believe that Zooey Deschanel is a fine actress.  I believe that she is a great singer.  I think she is incredibly gorgeous.  I also think she is personally to blame for the majority of my problems and the problems of my peers.  She showed up in 500 Days of Summer and made everyone fall in love with her, including myself.  One can hardly be blamed for thinking that it is possible to become incredibly charming and fabulous if one goes and gets Zooey's hair style.  This is not the case,  however.  You see, when one asks their stylist to make one look like Zooey Deschanel, one is going to end up looking like an idiot, no matter how talented the stylist.  I actually suspect that Zooey does this on purpose.  She tricks all of us unfortunate lookers into mimicking her, knowing full well that we won't be able to accomplish it, in turn, making her look all the more beautiful.  It is a cruel trick and she is not a nice person for pulling it.  I'm not the only one who has fallen under Ms. Deschanel's spell.  My dear friend, Heidi, also requested bangs like Zooey.  When she walked out of the salon looking like a fool, she had to use hair paste to slick those suckers back until they grew out.  She vowed that she would never again ask for bangs.  Finally Heidi's hair did grow in but a month before her wedding, Heidi returned to the salon for a trim. As if she were possessed, Heidi shouted, "Give me bangs like Zooey!"  She got her bangs, looked like the opposite of Zooey, and rued that salon visit on the day of her nuptials.

Speaking of Heidi's wedding, I was her maid of honor.  I decided that on this special event I needed to have hair like Scarlett Johansson.  Heidi's nephew referred to me as the "bald clown."  I managed not to weep, as I knew that he was yet too young to adhere to social decencies, yet his lack of tact did sting a bit.  I have decided that when I bring in a celebrity hair photo, what I really am requesting is said celebrity's face.  I need to come to terms with the fact that this is just not something my stylist can do for me.  But I digress...

So I requested hair like Zooey, and I actually left feeling rather Zooey-esque, until I came to work the next day.

Co-Worker-  You changed your hair.

Me:  Yes!  Thanks for notice.....

Co-Worker-  You look like Marilyn Manson.

For those of you who are not familiar with Mr. Manson, here is a photo of him.

Photo is probably subject to copyright...

Again, this is what I wanted to look like.

copyright Getty Images
I felt an all encompassing need to weep, so I excused myself from Co-Worker's presence, calmly shut my office door and proceeded to have an emotional break down.  It was to be the first of many breakdowns that have taken place in that office.
Actual photo of my office breakdown.  I am weeping and gnashing my teeth.  

One of the newer trends that I have fallen in love with is the red/orange lipstick that has been on the models in the J. Crew catalogue.
Copyright J. Crew

During a holiday shopping trip,  it became my personal mission to find the perfect shade of J. Crew lip color.  I made Mother stop with me by multiple cosmetic counters to try on red lipsticks.  

Mother and I found one shade that we both decided looked decent.  Red lipstick is a tricky thing though.  You cannot wear too much eye make up while wearing red lipstick or you look like a street walker.  You also have to carefully line your lips so it does not smear about your face or you look like a circus clown.  (We don't want to look like clowns, bald or otherwise.) One must also be wary of getting red lipstick on one's teeth.  Lipstick is not for teeth.  That looks strange.  A particular problem I have with lipstick, especially red lipstick, is that I tend to contort my lips abnormally while wearing it.  My lips start to think for themselves, forming odd pucker faces and pouts.  I find myself internally fighting against my own lips, trying to manipulate them back into what could be considered a "normal" expression.  Often I end up looking like I have just suffered a tragic accident and only through physical therapy am I slowly regaining control of my features.  Mother and I weighed these factors against the joy of having J. Crew lips and decided that with a little practice, I could wear the red lipstick.  Besides, it would be an excellent stocking stuffer.  Proud of our new purchase, we set off to Barnes and Noble to find Father, Grandmother and Manfriend, who, for some reason, had not been interested in perusing the Cosmetics counters.

I can always tell when Manfriend really likes a fashion choice I have made because he tends to refer to me as "You" during these times.  He will say something like, "Well, hey there, You.  Just look at You." or "You sure are something!"  It sometimes appears that he is struck dumb by how stunning I am.  I was a little iffy on my ability to pull the lips off, but since Manfriend so obviously loves it, I will probably stick with it.

You are welcome for the fashion tips and warnings, my 17 loyal readers.  (This is your hint to "follow me" on the right side, if you are not already.  It boosts my self esteem and gives me the confidence I need to continue wearing my red lipstick.)


  1. Oh my goodness! I have laughed and laughed reading this post!

  2. I laughed so hard at the "Bald Clown" bit! You are too funny. This is one of my favorites.

  3. Iam laughing so hard I literally have tears in my eyes!!!! (and darn it I don't want to be anonymous anymore,,Sareena Sareena NOT faceless anonymous! no offense to above anonymous!)


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